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‘I am immortal’ screams Jeremy Hunt

After learning that he was to stay on as health secretary, Jeremy Hunt vaulted the railings outside number 10, shimmied up the drainpipe, scrambled onto the rooftop and screamed ‘I am an immortal God’ at the sky. He was then asked to get down.

‘I’m thrilled that I’ve been given one more chance to kill off those lazy junior doctors’, said a very sweaty Jeremy Hunt, ‘and at least now I don’t have to retire and spend my time opening hate mail and punching puppies.’

Jeremy is also reportedly feeling buoyed by the fact that Theresa May clearly dislikes him so much that she’s handed him a great big poisoned chalice and commanded him to drink until he pukes through his nose.