Linguistic expert Prof Candid has called for doctors to radically change the language they use around patients.
‘Using Latin next to patients isn’t fair,’ says Prof ‘not when there are loads of other obscure languages around, like Belarusian and Luxembourgish and then there’s even ones that nobody really speaks anymore, like Welsh.
‘Welsh is a language isn’t it? Anyway the thing about Latin is that it reminds people just how well educated their doctors are and this reinforces the white male dominated social chauvinist hierarchy!’
To combat this problem, Prof has created an entirely new language divorced from political and economic structures called Medsat.
There’s no room for misunderstanding and everyone knows exactly what’s going on
‘Medsat is a brand new language,’ explains Prof ‘where all the words have been changed. The word patient becomes “Guv”, haemorrhoids are “Hemmy-Wemmys”, a digital rectal examination is “eyes-tighty-shut” and chronic is “ye olde”.
‘So the conversation would go something like this: “Come on in guv, ye olde hemmy-wemmys playing up again are they? I think we need a bit of eyes-tighty-shut time!”.
‘As you can see there’s no room for misunderstanding and everyone knows exactly what’s going on.’
Prof’s Medsat dictionary has been heavily criticised but he defended his position by arguing that it’s nothing new.
‘It’s all been done before,’ says Prof, ‘I mean just read that futuristic book all about oranges! You’ll even find it in there.’