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Nicola Sturgeon pledges £500m for general practice just to annoy the English

Raging nationalist Nicola Sturgeon has pledged an extra £500m in funding for general practice in Scotland just to piss off the English.

‘We can’t really afford it and we have no idea where we’re going to get it from,’ explains Ms Sturgeon, ‘but I just love saying “billion”. Billion billion billion. I especially love saying it when I’m around those wee English folk who decided to throw billions down the drain leaving the EU.’

Sturgeon’s half a billion will be used to remove all the dirty needles, corrugated iron sheeting and window boardings from premises which have been run down and underfunded across Scotland for the past decade.

This was quickly corrected by Ms Sturgeon who said: ‘Yer talkin’ oot yer fanny flaps, our NHS is gunnae be the mutts nuts ya bam pot. And just for the record I sound nutin’ like Wee Jimmy Krankie’.

She then added: ‘Did I mention I’m spending half a billion?’