As part of my occasional efforts to provide practical aids which help us all to do the job we know and love, today I’m converting my blog into a poster. Feel free to copy this bloster and adorn as many waiting room walls with it as you think fit:

NOTICE TO ALL PATIENTS

We are downshifting our previous ‘One problem per consultation’ rule to a new policy of

NO PROBLEMS PER CONSULTATION

We have taken this step because changes to the constitution under ‘Make every contact count’ proposals, plus the demands of the Quality and Outcome Framework, mean that we are too busy checking your blood pressure, height, weight, diet, smoking and alcohol habits, inside leg, behind your ears for dirt etc to be able to deal with anything else.

What this means is

YOU WILL NEED TO BOOK ANOTHER APPOINTMENT TO CONSULT ABOUT THE PROBLEM YOU BOOKED AN APPOINTMENT FOR

We are sorry to have to take this action, but REMEMBER:

THE CONSULTATION IS NO LONGER YOURS...

...it belongs to the Department of Health.

Please note:

• Under the ‘no problems per consultation’ policy, presenting to the doctor with a list of problems will be viewed as an act of aggression and the patient expelled from the practice under the ‘Violent patient’ scheme.
• If you’d listened to all our excellent health advice in the first place, you wouldn’t need an appointment anyway. So it’s your fault.
• The above information can be completely disregarded if you are involved in a patient questionnaire for the purposes of the doctor’s revalidation. He/she will be happy to sort out any issues no matter how many and whether they’re big or small. Honestly. It’s no problem. We’re just here to help.

 Dr Tony Copperfield is a GP in Essex. You can email him at tonycopperfield@hotmail.com and follow him on Twitter @DocCopperfield