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OK, Prime Minister. Here are the results of my fact-finding mission

Dear Prime Minister, 

peter ewing3x2

peter ewing 3×2 SUO

As requested, I have completed my fact-finding mission to explore the reasons for the alleged GP recruitment difficulties. I regret this has taken almost as long as the Iraq Inquiry because of the difficulty of getting appointments with GPs to interview. The results of my investigation are outlined below.

There is a high prevalence of dyslexia among GPs. More than 97% made a basic error in spelling the health secretary’s surname. This obviously raises concerns about their ability to prescribe safely.

A total of 35% of GPs could not be interviewed, as the department budget does not allow me to travel to Brisbane, Sydney, Wellington and Vancouver.

More than 97% of GPs made a basic error in spelling the health secretary’s surname

Some 87% of my interviews with GPs were terminated early because they were called away to deal with patients. I suggest we take steps to address their inability to prioritise.

I am concerned that many GPs are using ‘legal highs’, as evidenced by the fact that 62% began laughing uncontrollably when I mentioned seven-day working. I suggest we take this matter up with the GMC.

Medical students were interviewed to explore why they did not wish to pursue a career in general practice. Most of them specified a number of professions they perceive to be more attractive. This is an interesting finding that could well be amenable to action by HM Government. I therefore recommend immediate steps to dissuade medical students from pursuing careers as sewage operatives, sex workers or colonic irrigationists.

I also interviewed the spouse/partner of a number of GPs. I am concerned that these are sham relationships, possibly for the purposes of obtaining immigration visas. Some 52% of them did not recognise a photograph of their GP partner, claiming they hadn’t seen them for weeks.

In summary, I recommend we solve both the GP recruitment crisis and the prison overcrowding crisis with a single decisive action, and allow judges to sentence convicted criminals to a career in general practice without possibility of parole. I foresee no difficulties with the RCGP, as it will receive a significant income boost, although the European Court of Human Rights may regard this as a cruel and unusual punishment. You may therefore wish to accelerate the repeal of the Human Rights Act.

Yours sincerely,

A Minion, special adviser to the Prime Minister

Dr Peter Ewing is a GP in Crieff, Scotland