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Practically everyone is drunk warns Public Health England

According to a new evidence review on alcohol, practically everyone is walking about the place with a blood alcohol level high enough to kill a cat.

Professor Candid’s report for Public Health England reiterated that many patients would benefit from alcohol screening and brief interventions, but that many more would benefit from not drinking cider for breakfast and not necking port until they vomit up their stomach lining through their nose.

‘I went to my GP because I couldn’t feel my hands any more,’ admits Steve, a Croydon based alcoholic, ‘and he had the audacity to ask me if I had ever annoyed a loved one because of my drinking; what he should have asked me was if I had ever driven my moped at full tilt through my own front window because of my drinking!’

The situation looks set to worsen as the festive period looms.

‘Christmas is a traditional time of year,’ says Professor Candid, ‘it’s a time when families can get together and drink home brew until one of them falls head first into the Christmas tree and shits himself.’