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Surgeons now have to listen to patients as well

Surgeons have traditionally chopped bits off and put them in the bin but now they’re expected to listen to patients as well.

‘We were concerned that our members weren’t having an open dialogue with patients’ says a spokesman for the Royal College of Surgeons, ’so we released new guidance for all our members to ignore.’

Professor Candid, an old-school surgeon who once removed his own appendix with a rusty knife, during a black out on a trawler in a storm says: ‘What twaddle. I’m a surgeon, not a GP! What do I need to know about the doctor-patient relationship? I know exactly what the doctor-patient relationship is – I’m the doctor and the other fella is the patient. And don’t go talking to me about ICE. I know exactly what ICE is. It’s what that nice young lady over there is going to put in my G and T.’

Then, after a hefty gulp of gin and a puff on his heroic cigar he added, somewhat wistfully: ‘You know, to be a great surgeon like me you need three qualities. You need the heart of a lady, the hands of lion and the eyes of a… oh hang on, I’ve got that wrong.’