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The ‘nuclear option’ seems a little hasty



Dear Doctors at the LMC,

Are you guys crazy!!

OK I understand you’re upset, I get that, but what you’re doing strikes me as a little hasty. I’m sure there are plenty of steps you could take and I’m sure there’s plenty of talking and negotiating you could do before going “all out” as it were.  

I don’t know if you have much of a social life but there are lots of people living here in the UK. There are flats, apartments, houses (semi, detached and terraced), motorways, buses, high streets, swimming pools, roller-discos etc etc In fact the list is almost endless and there are people pretty much everywhere. I only have to leave my front door before I bump into one of them.  

 To be honest I’m not sure that you have a clue what you’re doing

So your idea of going for the “nuclear option”, which I presume means setting off some sort of nuclear device, would be a disaster!

Trust me when I say I know what I’m talking about! I’m speaking as the former Kommander-in-chief of the Soviet Ballisitic Detonations Programme (KA-BOOM ); “former” because of that unfortunate incident with the knitting needle and the balloon (how was I to know that Mr Loboshevsky was on heart medication?)  

During my time at the department I spent a lot of time at ground zero, so much time in fact that all my hair fell out, my goitre swelled up to the size of a pair of prize winning bulls-bollocks and strangest of all I grew an eye-ball on my arse (I’d send you a photo but I don’t own a camera)

But enough of me and my problems, it’s back to you and yours, and to be honest I’m not sure that you have a clue what you’re doing!

To help you along I’ve drawn a detailed diagram of what might happen if you carry out your so called “nuclear option”. The diagram is based on decades of research, objective in-the-field findings and meticulous observations.  

If however by “nuclear option” you mean you’ll arrange another coffee morning in about half a year’s time to canvas opinion once everything’s cooled down a bit then I’m fully behind you. If this is the case then may I suggest that in future you avoid using the term “nuclear option” as it’s making my “arse-eye” twitch.

Yours Sincerely,

Mr Strugatsky. 

nuclear k hole

nuclear k hole