This site is intended for health professionals only


This call may be recorded…



Hello you’re through to care.data,  how can I help?

Hi there, I’m interested in buying some data please

Ok sir, you’re through to Michelle this morning. Can I take you through some security questions first?

Sure

Do you have a criminal record?

No

Have you ever been convicted of fraud or any other offence which might constitute data negligence?

No

Are you sure?

No…I mean yes!

Have you ever left a lap top on a bus?

No

Or a USB device on a train? Think carefully about this one before you answer sir

No

Or any combination of the above on any form of public transport?

No

OK, one last question sir, what do you intend to use the data for?

Errrr………

That’s ok Sir, you’ve passed through security this morning, we can’t be too careful these days can we? As I said you’re talking to Michelle, before we go any further may I ask what kind of data you’re interested in?

Well…..it’s ermm….a little tricky….but I think we would be interested in….errr

Do you have pecuniary interest sir?

Sorry?

Would you like to make money out of the data sir?

Well, yes! Yes I would actually, now you’ve mentioned it

As this conversation is recorded for quality control I would recommend that from now on we refer to money as interests, greed as stimulus, business as research and patients as data. Do you understand?

Ok yes..I understand

Ok, so would you like to stimulate  your research interests using data sir?

Erm…oh gosh….erm….Yes, yes I am, in fact I’ve always wanted to do that

And how much data do you need for your research sir?

Erm….well…..

One, five or ten tons?

Well…that’s quite a lot isn’t it?

We aim to please sir, would you like say five tons? As a starter

How am I going to carry that

You don’t have to carry that sir, we can send it down your phone wire as soon as you like

Yes ok, give me five tons of data

Just putting that through for you now sir…. ok that’s gone through, the data is on its way and you should be up and running with your five tons by tomorrow lunch time.

Great!

Is there anything else I can help you with sir?

Err..no…no I think that’s all…I’ve got the data to..err…well stimulate the research thingy…so I think that should be all ….

Oh, one last thing before you go sir                   

What’s that?

Please don’t lose it!