Hello you’re through to care.data, how can I help?
Hi there, I’m interested in buying some data please
Ok sir, you’re through to Michelle this morning. Can I take you through some security questions first?
Do you have a criminal record?
Have you ever been convicted of fraud or any other offence which might constitute data negligence?
Are you sure?
No…I mean yes!
Have you ever left a lap top on a bus?
Or a USB device on a train? Think carefully about this one before you answer sir
Or any combination of the above on any form of public transport?
OK, one last question sir, what do you intend to use the data for?
That’s ok Sir, you’ve passed through security this morning, we can’t be too careful these days can we? As I said you’re talking to Michelle, before we go any further may I ask what kind of data you’re interested in?
Well…..it’s ermm….a little tricky….but I think we would be interested in….errr
Do you have pecuniary interest sir?
Would you like to make money out of the data sir?
Well, yes! Yes I would actually, now you’ve mentioned it
As this conversation is recorded for quality control I would recommend that from now on we refer to money as interests, greed as stimulus, business as research and patients as data. Do you understand?
Ok yes..I understand
Ok, so would you like to stimulate your research interests using data sir?
Erm…oh gosh….erm….Yes, yes I am, in fact I’ve always wanted to do that
And how much data do you need for your research sir?
One, five or ten tons?
Well…that’s quite a lot isn’t it?
We aim to please sir, would you like say five tons? As a starter
How am I going to carry that
You don’t have to carry that sir, we can send it down your phone wire as soon as you like
Yes ok, give me five tons of data
Just putting that through for you now sir…. ok that’s gone through, the data is on its way and you should be up and running with your five tons by tomorrow lunch time.
Is there anything else I can help you with sir?
Err..no…no I think that’s all…I’ve got the data to..err…well stimulate the research thingy…so I think that should be all ….
Oh, one last thing before you go sir
Please don’t lose it!