A team of climate experts and statisticians, led by Professor Candid, have predicted that winter is going to be quite chilly and that lots of people are going to get a cold.
‘Each year there are four seasons,’ explains Prof, ‘or sometimes five, but we won’t go into that now, and winter is by far and away the coldest one. Which means that lots of people will go to their GP with runny noses and sore throats just to be told to go back home again and drink a Lemsip.’
It’s not clear how the health service will cope with this annual increase in trivial self-limiting illnesses caused by an entirely predictable change in the weather.
‘The last time this kind of thing happened,’ explains Prof, ‘it was during the hot season we call summer, people took their tops off and baked themselves in the sun until they looked like something from world of leather, it was absolute carnage.’