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World renowned physicist Stephen Hawking to be privatised by 2020

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt, who got stuck on page 30 of A Brief History of Time, has announced plans to sell off bits of Stephen Hawking to the private sector.

‘He’s a strain on the public purse,’ explained Mr Hunt, ‘especially now that he disagrees with me.’

‘Don’t get me wrong, I know he’s a dead smart scientist and all that, but you can prove anything with maths can’t you!’ he went on. ‘And besides, in my field you don’t need facts and evidence you just need an over-inflated sense of self-worth making dubious decisions on your behalf that would make your Nan cringe.

‘So I’ve made a promise to the British people; once I’ve carved up and sold off their precious NHS I’ll make a start on Stephen.’

Mr Hunt ended by saying: ‘Brian Cox, 40 grand toilet, cost-savings, efficiencies, public purse, wonderful.’