Knowing me, Tony Copperfield, knowing you, anxious timewaster

Columnist Dr Copperfield draws up a ‘winter campaign of reassurance’ to counter the usual scaremongering

As Alan Partridge once famously asked, ‘Who’s the worst monger?’ You know, fish, iron, rumour, war etc? From the GP perspective, it might well be ‘scare’. Public health and charity drum-banging have in recent years repeatedly increased GP workload and patient angst, with campaigns highlighting how apparently trivial symptoms might be harbingers of death. Hence me once having a consultation with the parents of a coughing toddler who were genuinely terrified that he might have lung cancer, like the ad had suggested. Cancer, no. A cold, yes.

How about, for once, a complete inversion of the genre, with a winter campaign of reassurance: one to cut panic and boost appointment availability? I could write it myself, so I will:

‘Sore throat? Forget it!’ They’re nearly all viral or tonsillitis. Antibiotics are useless for the former and not essential for the latter. And you using a whispery voice won’t convince me otherwise. Stay away.

‘Winter cough? Forget it!’ Listen, public, coughs are nature’s way of keeping crap out of your lungs. And no, a week isn’t ‘too long to be suffering this’. And absolutely no, I don’t want you to present me with a sample of your phlegm, not even if it’s gift-wrapped.

‘Fever in toddlers? Forget it!’ Sigh. Press autodoc: ‘Fever is nature’s way of frying a virus. If junior is talking/walking/drinking, then chill – and that doesn’t mean putting him in the fridge. You don’t need to ‘fight a fever’. It’s harmless. Yes, I have heard of febrile convulsions, but it’s not the fever, it’s the illness that causes the fever that can cause seizures, which are scary but harmless too.’ OK, babies under six months are excepted, terms and conditions apply etc.

‘Conjunctivitis? Forget it!’ Sticky eyes in toddlers are just part of the overall snotfest. No, it won’t make him go blind. No, you don’t have to keep him off school/playgroup. No, it doesn’t any need antibiotic cream/drops.

‘Recent rash in a well child? Forget it!’ It’s viral/allergy/eczema. Whatever. Not urgent. No, it’s not meningitis, not unless junior’s ill, as in really, really, really ill. In which case, you might want to skip our two-week wait and go straight to A&E.

‘Tummy upset? Forget it!’ As with lung/cough, think gut/diarrhoea: nature doing its (runny) job. And it can go for on a week or so. Not interested.

‘Vomited once half an hour ago and now seems fine but we’re going to Lanzarote tomorrow and want to make sure he’s OK? Forget it!’ I’m a GP, not some sort of fortune-teller.

In summary: ‘Minor ailment? Forget it!’ Parent up, will you? Talk to granny or the pharmacist if you insist on a ‘health professional’. OK, if you or your little precious is ill then fine, I’ll see you. But you might want to look up ‘ill’ first.

I realise the above will not be immune to criticism and this blanket head-patting approach might carry a small risk of collateral damage. Then again, stuffing our surgeries with the worried well so the actually ill can’t get an appointment is seen as a perfectly acceptable trade-off with the ‘Cough? Cancer!’ type approach. So what’s the difference?  

Anyway, we can certainly name our favourite monger: a calm-monger. I think we’d all find that acceptable, knowing me and knowing you. Aha!

Dr Copperfield is a GP in Essex. Read more of his blogs here