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A tale of two contracts

For the first time the Scottish LMC conference has voted for an entirely separate GP contract.

A conference member, speaking from behind a stick-on ginger beard said: ‘We all huddled round a table late at night and after a few drams we got all sentimental and became caught up in the idea that Scotland is an entirely different country with an entirely different population which clearly needs  an entirely different contract.  It’s been known for some time now that people who live above an imaginary geo-political line in the north are genetically distinct from the people of Berwick upon Tweed.

‘Let me give you some examples. Science has proved that us Scots can operate heavy machinery with a blood alcohol level in us that would kill anyone south of Hadrian’s wall. We also enjoy deep fat frying anything with a pulse and have a penchant for eating boiled cows cock, a meat-nightmare which only the very bravest can ingest. I suggest these things need very different QOF points’. 

He went on to say: ‘Only in Scotland can someone have a choice of two deaths, a heart attack or a stabbing. Well maybe three if you count having a heart attack after being stabbed. It’s very unlikely that you’ll ever be stabbed after having a heart attack but to be honest that isn’t beyond the realms of possibility.’ 

In response to the accusation that the vote represents medical apartheid and is just yet another cynical way for Scotland to stamp its identity ahead of the referendum the conference member replied: ‘Get tae f*ck ya bawheaded bampot.’   

This isn’t the tartinisation but the Saltirification of the health service. And Saltirification isn’t even a real word! 

 Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.