This site is intended for health professionals only

An alternative to GMC investigations: my psychic cat

Dear Sirs in charge of punishing doctors,

My name is Mr Strugastky and I was chief researcher at the National Institute for Soviet Psychical Studies (SPSSSCCCP). Well I was until that unfortunate incident involving Mr Lobechevsky and the suitcase (it’s a long story).

But that’s all in the past, this letter isn’t about me and it’s not about faulty suitcases either, it’s about my cat.

Mr Tibbles is no ordinary cat. Since kittenhood he’s displayed an extraordinary talent.

One day he was sat on our fence staring at the neighbour’s budgie. Within less than a week the budgie was found dead at the bottom of his cage. Everyone said it was natural causes but we all know it wasn’t!

I’ll give you another example. He once diagnosed my wife’s second cousin (and by second cousin I mean they share great-grandparents, she doesn’t actually number her cousins) with a near fatal cat fur allergy after brushing his tail up against her nose. Again this shows a prescience which isn’t normally associated with the humble cat.

Because of his innate psychic abilities I’ve been teaching Mr Tibbles how to read the human mind. This hasn’t been easy, it’s taken 20 years, two nights in custody and a stay at the local psychiatric hospital but I think he’s finally cracked it.

Now this is where you boys at the GMC come in.

Simply place two cards in front of him, one with ‘guilty as charged’ written on it and the other with ‘not guilty’ (teaching him to read was a whole other story) and then present the allegation. For example: ‘Did Mrs S eat my cheese sandwich?’ He will then deftly tap on the guilty as charged card with his paw, even though Mrs S vehemently denies it. He does this with unfailing accuracy. Mr Tibbles’s talents will do away with all of those time-consuming and unnecessary investigations that you have to do at the GMC and will free up your time to dole out the punishments. He is indeed a furry genius.

All he needs is some cat biscuits (preferably moistened) a warm radiator and several hundred pounds in advanced payments.

I enclosed a detailed drawing of Mr Tibbles in the act of telepathy. I don’t own a camera so I can’t send you a picture. Enjoy.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh