Dear Matt Hancock,
‘Happy St Evanansciencense Day, Mr Hancock!’
‘What’s that?’, I hear you cry.
’Please, take a seat and let me explain.’
I’m pretty sure that’s how our conversation would go if we ever met.
First of all, let me introduce myself. My name is Mr Strugatsky, and I am a professional trouble shooter – I have been shooting trouble for as long as I can remember (since 1989).
I once solved Kiev’s growing ‘bike theft problem’ by making it obligatory for all sex offenders to ride bikes. I even solved the problem of my pesky wife asking for a Valentine’s gift each year, by giving her an expensive looking bottle of perfume with a modified nozzle.
However, I’m writing to you, Mr Hancock, because I think I know what your problem is and more importantly I have the solution.
It appears that GPs in your beloved country are leaving or retiring because they hate what politicians have done to their profession. They’re demotivated and demoralised and you’re probably thinking how you can solve this problem. Well, scratch your brain no more, for I have invented St Evanansciencense Day!!!!!!!!! (I appreciate that’s a lot of exclamation marks, but I am very excited.)
St Evanansciencense Day (!!!!!!!) is a brand-new day of the week which slots neatly between Wednesday and Thursday. The extra day gives struggling doctors a whole 24 hours to catch up, so they will never be under pressure again.
I know it may be difficult for you to conceptualise St Evanansciencense Day (my wife says it’s impossible and has begged me to stop talking about it), so I have included a well-thought-out diagram. The new day will end with the traditional cutting of the St Evanansciencense Day cake and the lighting of candles.
You have to admit that this is better than your current solution, Mr Hancock, which appears to involve putting your fingers in your ears, humming God Save the Queen and dreaming of an app that can solve all of your problems.
Feel free to contact me at any time of day or night, as I now have lots of spare time.
PS: Would your wife be interested in a bottle of Chanel No.5 with a modified nozzle?
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Australia who previously practised in Glasgow and Aberdeen