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Nicola Sturgeon to round up street urchins for a career in medicine



First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has pledged to round up street urchins and press-gang them into medicine because there aren’t enough middle class people in Scotland stupid enough to enter the profession.

The move is part of a package to boost workforce numbers and hopes to exploit people who would otherwise spend years of their soulless lives asking you if you’re collecting kids’ vouchers.

‘The future wasn’t looking so great,’ says Steve, ‘after speaking to my careers advisor it looked like I had two options, either dress up as a Nando’s chicken with a placard strung around my neck, which is the modern day equivalent of a medieval pillory, or sell crack.’

‘Then Nicola’s fun-bus came along and before I knew it they’d Tasered me and bungled me through the back door of the medical school.’

It’s hoped that within a few years people like Steve will make great doctors who won’t complain about working insane hours in an NHS hospital for very little pay because it’s better than working insane hours for very little pay in JD sports. 

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh