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Introducing Medsat, the language of the future!

Through the K Hole

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Linguistic expert Prof Candid has called for doctors to radically change the language they use around patients.

‘Using Latin next to patients isn’t fair,’ says Prof ‘not when there are loads of other obscure languages around, like Belarusian and Luxembourgish and then there’s even ones that nobody really speaks anymore, like Welsh.

‘Welsh is a language isn’t it? Anyway the thing about Latin is that it reminds people just how well educated their doctors are and this reinforces the white male dominated social chauvinist hierarchy!’

To combat this problem, Prof has created an entirely new language divorced from political and economic structures called Medsat.

There’s no room for misunderstanding and everyone knows exactly what’s going on

‘Medsat is a brand new language,’ explains Prof ‘where all the words have been changed. The word patient becomes “Guv”, haemorrhoids are “Hemmy-Wemmys”, a digital rectal examination is “eyes-tighty-shut” and chronic is “ye olde”.

‘So the conversation would go something like this: “Come on in guv, ye olde hemmy-wemmys playing up again are they? I think we need a bit of eyes-tighty-shut time!”.

‘As you can see there’s no room for misunderstanding and everyone knows exactly what’s going on.’

Prof’s Medsat dictionary has been heavily criticised but he defended his position by arguing that it’s nothing new.

‘It’s all been done before,’ says Prof, ‘I mean just read that futuristic book all about oranges! You’ll even find it in there.’

 

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Readers' comments (3)

  • I think that Lady Caroline Katherine Smythe Jones Plantagenet might feel a bit miffed and patronised If you discuss her private bits in such a fashion?

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  • Cobblers

    Nah Medsat got nuffin on ol' Cockney Rhymin' slang.

    It's me Farmer Giles doc! They’re giving me the two bob bits from me Aristotle.

    You gonna to have an Orange peel of me Gary Glitter?

    Quote article: ‘As you can see there’s no room for misunderstanding and everyone knows exactly what’s going on.’

    And as for Lady Caroline Katherine Smythe Jones Plantagenet she ain’t gonna feel miffed talking about her Mary Hinge or her Jeremy Hunt now is she?


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  • I think its wise to learn from our patients.I reckon most here will get the gist of the following memorable exchange I had with a patient.It learned me loads:

    "Doctor, I had an appointment in the miggle of the morning at the hospikal about me genikals.I was a likkle bit late and I just managed to get the bokkle filled with piss before having to dash off.Just had 5 minutes to get the kekkle on before getting back to work."

    Keats, you know nuffin about poetry.

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