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GPs to be squeezed out and replaced by people who have no idea what they’re talking about

GPs are to be slowly squeezed out and replaced by over-zealous arseholes who have no idea what they’re talking about.

‘The only skill a GP has is to know exactly what to do when you’re ill,’ says an unimpressed health secretary. ‘And it costs so much to train them these days, so we thought we should just replace them with someone who owns a box set of Holby City and once did a first aid course.’

Margaret, whose voice was described as ‘irritating’ by her husband says: ‘I was the first aid responder when I worked for the council.

‘I saved a colleague’s life by bandaging his ankle after he fell on top of me in the stock cupboard and I also accidentally defibrillated Cheryl from accounts after she had that funny turn. As far as I’m concerned I’m amply qualified.’

She then added: ‘Just as I became a qualified doctor by watching Holby City (first and second series) I also became a qualified astrophysicist by watching Brian Cox on Channel 4. I’m great, me.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.