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‘I am not a flesh-crazed human-eating space-lizard,’ confirms May

Theresa May has denied allegations that she is a lizard from outer space. The rumours started earlier in the week after she was photographed wheeling frozen corpses up the ramp of her mother ship. 

‘Nothing could be further from the truth,’ says Theresa. ‘I’m just a normal human being, going about my everyday life doing ordinary human things like….err……actually what do human beings do?’

Theresa’s inability to look remotely normal in any setting was beginning to worry some voters especially when it came to the NHS. 

‘I love the NHS,’ says Colin, a typical voter from Croydon ‘and because I hate public services I’ve traditionally voted for the Tories. But after seeing a photo of Ms May laying an egg in Jeremy Hunt’s open mouth I’m not sure she’s a safe pair of hands. That’s even if she has a pair of hands!’ 

‘Like Colin I love the NHS,’ says Theresa trying to sound remotely normal. ‘And I will not destroy it….ever….I promise,’ and then her eyes went a kind of weird green colour.